There are more questions than answers now: Why am I writing this? What matters? What doesn’t?
It occurs to me that it takes 9 months to build a fully formed human life, and about 9 months to let one go. “Let go” isn’t quite it. More like beginning to “unbuild”. The realization that life will continue is tentative and fresh. As of today, it’s taken 9 months to notice; to begin thinking about building something new. The ingredients for this life are different than the last one.
Holes can feel denser with information than the person, place, or thing that stood there first. Is that true? Was I too occupied while he stood there to notice? Notice the density. Notice the possibilities. Notice the promise. Notice all that stood before me, day after day, for years. His unexpected absence doesn’t feel empty, no. Instead, it is packed full of ponderings.
Regret shows up. For things not said, not attempted, not done. An unproductive emotion for sure. Yet there it is.
We fantasize about perfect relationships with people, whether they are real or imagined, and in them, things fall nicely into place. Words are said, heard, and comprehended. It occurs calmly and easily. There is compassion. There is clarity. Things always work out.
While I wouldn’t call this fantasy, it is reminiscent of a dream. The thing about dreams is that they are hard to recall. You’ve got to grab that pen and write them down or grab that phone and record them just as soon as you awaken. They are fleeting, regardless of how full they feel while in them. They fade.
Words weren’t written or recorded immediately after DH left. Everything was too blurry then. I couldn’t capture or condense any of it with letters, words, or stories. To be honest, there were no words expansive enough to capture the life that was gone. There were no words to adequately fashion the depth of what it was, or what it meant, or what it felt like.
Can it be captured accurately 9 months later? For sure, there will be things that I’ve lost in that time. Feelings, thoughts, noticing’s… I can share that there is an ache that sits inside me. His absence left a hole, and in that hole, sits an ache. Aches are not strong foundations for building anything. Yet they remain in the precise location of the rebuild. They are tricky to navigate around.
Twin flames are not casual or easy relationships to be in. We were exactly the same about different things; mirrors for each other. Try to imagine living in front of a mirror 24/7, and you will be close to feeling what it’s like. It’s a lot. There wasn’t too much we agreed on completely, except for how much we loved our children and each other. Those things were not questioned.
What won’t happen is that our story now becomes a sweet fairy tale love story. Because it wasn’t, and the fullness and richness and flavor of it would be lost in that telling. We loved each other madly and drove each other nuts. There are all sorts of valid reasons for both truths.
So here I will build the story of DH, and within it, you will see us both. I do this because I can see now, 9 months after his departure, that things do get forgotten, because life changes regardless of our readiness, because DH was someone worth knowing, and, IMHO, worth reading about. I’m rebuilding, and there are parts from that last build that are worthy. I want to hang onto them.
So, what happened in those 5.5 years between meeting and marrying? I had a child. I began working nights for the company DH had since moved to. I almost relocated when my husband changed jobs and because I was moving, I had to turn in my keys. I gave them to DH, and as I left the building, I burst into tears. My son, a toddler by then, said “Why are you crying, Mommy?” I didn’t know. Years later, DH told me that he’d been in the same state as he watched me get into my car from his office window.
We divorced instead of relocating. I returned to working nights and weekends. It turned out that DH was also going through a divorce. He asked me out. I say yes.
After that first date, I spent the night researching our combined astrological charts. What I found seemed to say that he’d father my children. This terrified me. I’d pretty much sworn off long-term relationships since my divorce.
A few days after our date, DH asked me out again and I said, “No”. He asked “Why not? I had a great time. Didn’t you?” To which I answered, “Yes, I did, and that is precisely why. I’m not interested in anything further. I also need a pay increase because the company isn’t paying me enough. I’m going back to school.”
So, I ended up leaving that company. After I did, DH called me to say that he’d convinced the boss to increase my wages.
Can you see how this works? The universe would not stop throwing us together until we finally agreed to partner up. So, we eventually did.
Our universe is doggedly determined to provide us with exactly what we need to complete our pre-birth plan. Some would call this our “soul’s purpose”, which sounds very important and singular. I’m not sure whether it’s either of those things.
I think that it’s all growth. Growth of something, which could be perceived as either positive or negative. Maybe experience is a more accurate description than growth. There is a fullness that we seek here, a deep knowing that we desire. It all feels karmic, and that we are destined to play out the experience with specific “others” whom we’ve played with before. These relationships are pre-arranged.
If this all sounds very spiritually insightful, it does so because of retrospect only. You can be sure that these things were not on my mind while we were together. That was the living part, and it was jam-packed with drama, love, pain, and joy.
These extremes of physical life are the reasons so many of us want to come here. We are an emotional and passionate bunch. Human lives provide plenty of both, and one partnered with a “twin flame” offers them up exponentially.
I’ll close now with this. Pay attention to who or what keeps showing up for you. They may very well have something to say that some part of you desperately wanted to hear. Happy Valentine’s Day.
I believe in you. I believe in us. I believe in love.
*Dreamhopper aka DH — a soul who “hops dreams”.
